I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
