my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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