do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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