apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
FUCK WHALES
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
