I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
