That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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