She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
