just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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