Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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