Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
