everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
