Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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