I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
