our cab driver is having phone sex.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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