I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
