Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
