You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
