so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
