i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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