maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
