I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
