i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
