you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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