I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i already hear my dad disowning me
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
