once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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