State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
