im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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