apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
