He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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