An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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