I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
