Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
