well I can't set my house on fire every night
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
