i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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