i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
