In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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