The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I did not marry a roomba.
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