he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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