I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Couch. On fire.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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