Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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