I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
