sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
