I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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