i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
