I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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