If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I need to stop coming to work sober
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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