Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
