I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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