I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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