i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
