You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
